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母亲 母亲的手(第1页)

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母亲的手,是拽住新生与茫魂的手,是年少与年老时慰藉灵魂的手。

现今若再让我握住母亲的手,我会心生抵触,浑身不自在。一来是我尚且年轻,二来是我现今生活顺遂,忙碌得认为矫情和爱皆是累赘,这使我回忆起20年初,疫情乍起,终日阴雨绵绵,那时我身体不适已有时日。二十岁,正值生活刚刚启幕,厄运却也不期而至。

晴天霹雳,瞬间崩溃,该如何描绘?意外总是让人猝不及防,瞬间崩塌。那日我却异常平静,似乎尚未回过神来。外公始终陪伴着我,起初还不断安慰我说只是检查一下,没事的。然而,随着检查的进行,外公的言语渐渐变少,眼神游移不定地看着我,多数时候都在沉思发呆。

回到家中,讲明情况后,家人们强作镇定,称医院搞错了,县城医院向来不靠谱。接着便是沉默,大家都沉默不语,围坐在一起,各自低头扶腿,强颜欢笑地说着没事,医院会打电话来确认的。随后,众人又各自散开,做起自己的事情,仿佛一切都未曾发生,照常聊天。

我心中五味杂陈,犹如晴天时,双脚却浸湿在鞋中。我忍着潮湿不适,暴晒于阳光之下,可鞋子依旧湿漉。我察觉到家中氛围的改变,但无人愿将其点明,仿若大家都墨守成规,事实就会有所改变。晚饭后,餐桌上异常安静,仅有只言片语的家常。我依旧平静,这平静如同梦境,虚幻得不真实。

晚饭后,最后一丝黯淡的余晖消失在被雨水浸润的山后,一股崩溃感如箭矢般从我背后激射而入。刹那间,我眼前无人,无物,世界仿佛只剩下我孤身一人。恐惧如潮水般袭来,我无法呼吸,匆忙躲进房间,泪水如决堤之洪般肆意流淌。此刻,一切都已不再重要,所有梦想、热情、爱好与追求,皆化为虚无,我只想痛哭。母亲走了进来,我泪眼朦胧地望着她,告诉她我在网上查的,仅有两三年。母亲如抱婴孩般将我搂住,我在她的怀中颤抖不止。

在我的记忆中,母亲从未在我面前因我的病而流过一滴眼泪。然而,我坚信,在无数个失眠的夜晚和奔波的白日里,她曾暗自流泪。我不停地重复着,重复着,只剩下两三年的时间了。母亲依旧沉默不语,却牵起了我的手。那一瞬间,我感受到了前所未有的温暖,这是我有记忆以来从未体验过的。我不敢松手,生怕一松开,我又会陷入无边的黑暗。雨又下了起来,我牵着母亲的手,在黑暗的房间里静静坐着。外公也走了进来,在床沿上默默静坐,凝视着我,同样一言不发。外婆进来后,放下了一叠她平时省吃俭用积攒下来的零散钞票,然后又出去了。家里大大小小的事情,她依然要操持。其他家人也都在努力维持着正常,努力让一切仿佛没有发生过。

在往昔的梦境中,每当遭遇危急关头,或者面临类似境遇,我都会竭力挣扎着睁开双眼,竭尽所能让自己从梦中苏醒。我始终坚信自己身处梦境之中,然而,那一瞬间,我却萌生出了自杀的念头。我想到了三毛所言,她宁愿选择以一种天真烂漫的方式结束生命,也不愿自己的身体被管道所充斥。那时的我,也渴望以这种洒脱的方式结束自己的生命。我迫不及待地想要站起身来,走向自杀的道路。可是,有一只手,紧紧地拉住了我,那是母亲的手,亦是拉住我灵魂的手。它宛如在伸手不见五指的黑暗中闪烁的一丝微光,如同迷路的飞蛾,在我的思绪迷失时,给予我光明的指引。我只想紧紧握住这只手,无论是在恐惧时,还是在沉睡时。当我望见生命的尽头,我只想陪伴在家人身旁,尤其是母亲的身边。

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